I dance in a city of shufflers

beautiful thing of the day:

I love to help others heal.. and don't expect or desire anything in return

so it has been a little while since I last posted... a lot has happened since then.. but I can honestly say that I have come to realize that North America is toxic.. there should be warning signs before coming here saying things like there is too much privilege in our society... beware this may cause superficiality and trivial worries

urgh..

anyways.. that was February when this draft was saved.. after a trip to central america surrounded by lovely people who cared about the sea, sun and having a good spontaneous time... no matter what their means or lack of means... ahhh the Carribean

I felt really beautiful in Belize especially, people were more attracted to my personality and weren't put off at all by my weight... I felt alive, and I wish I could keep my vibrancy going

now I am back to wearing make-up and feeling insecure.. feeling toxic..

I wonder if the only way to cleanse my way of thinking is to leave and never look back..

I realized that I don't inherently hate myself.. how I look or anything like that.. it is just that I am like a sponge that soaks in my surroundings.. and when they are toxic I get toxic

hmmm beautiful thing about me.. is my openness and go with the flow attitude... I think it leads to incredible experiences.... from stumbling upon random dance parties in the centre of Montréal while waiting for a bus at 2AM or getting adopted on a bus by a Belizian family... I feel that I always have hillarious, amazing, eye-opening, sometimes bizarre situations.. and I think that it is a quality that I love about myself...

Dec. 5 2009: I am going crazy...ok beautiful thing today.. I was going to say I know how to dress to flatter myself.. but fuck... the word flattering.. that is really something to think about eh?

Sometimes I think flattering feeds into the whole ohh you shouldn't wear that... it is too tight, too loose, shows too much skin, too short, too long, blah blah blah

I wear what makes me feel good, and what I feel comfortable in... this is not to say I am comfortable with my body, but I put things together in a way that makes me feel better about it

flattering flattering flattering

why should it matter to anyone how someone else looks? If someone is happy in what they are wearing, then perhaps it is the person thinking it is not flattering's problem for being so judgemental ... and probably points to more insecurities in the judger than the judged

I remember my mom saying ohhhh you shouldn't wear that... it is too tight..you should wear pants.. blah blah blah *( I don't wear pants anymore... ) a few years ago I would have taken offense to this, but instead I said hey mom... maybe if someone looks at me and is disgusted by my outfit or how this shirt looks on me, then it is their problem to not have more important things to focus on.. not mine for wearing what I want to wear

this was a very strong moment in my personal growth. it may not seem monumental.. but as I have previously mentioned.. self-hate or insecurities are contageous.. and this was a big step in me breaking that cycle of contamination

annnnd scene.

backlog p.2

Nov 20: Wrote you are beautiful just the way you are!! inside the cover of a stupid girly mag with a cover title saying how to combat the muffin top.. grrrr

nov 21: I am really great at bringing people together and lOVE IT

nov 22: I am honest.. even when it is hard and akward and confrontational.. in a non-violent way.. but still.. honestly is always harder than white lies

nov 23: I giggle alot... in fact.. last weekend my giggling set off a motion detector..

nov 24: I actually do vs. say

nov 25: I have incredible, non-superficial friends, and I think this is a reflection of myself..

nov 26: I have the ability to converse with anyone..

nov. 27: I am really great at exploring and getting to know cities and sharing this information with others... (lafemmeperdu.blogspot.com) although in blog form I may not be the best.. it really helps to move somewhere and know someone that knows the city.. I am one of those people

nov. 28: I am not embarassed to make mistakes.. or a fool out of myself for that matter

nov 29: I have a really free light spirit

nov 30: I see the beauty above anything else in others (for the most part, and at least at first impressions)

dec 1: these last few days have been really challenging. Those thoughts of eternal loneliness in Canada due to my lack of immediate attractiveness are creeping into my brain and I feel like crap..

Dec 2: I am a kick-ass cook! Can make anything out of nothing... and it will be delicious.

dec 3: Today I created a warm and welcoming home for my friend Julia to come home to, I knew this would make her happy... friends and yummy food = happiness.. today André and I were talking about people that really feel comfortable in situations and the cool things that result...will explain more another day.. off to another dinner date

dec 4: I consistently think of others vs myself... although this is a double edged sword

Nov 19 2009: I truly believe that there are very few people in this world that want to do us harm.

Nov 13,2009: I have a calming effect on others. I have an uncanny ability to either completely miss out on stressful situations or within them keep a sense of calm. I attribute this partly to Reiki, as being a practitioner for so long has allowed me to learn how to calm others as well as myself.

Will it matter in a year? probably not... so why worry? although this is changing.... more explanation in next beautiful thing about myself.

Nov 14, 2009: I make decisions based on my heart, not my pocket book or realistic notions of logical jobs. (most of the time)

At the moment I have an incredible job, I get paid to travel around Quebec and talk to people about a program I believe in. Sounds ace eh? the other side is working at a bureau with someone who treats me with about as little respect and politeness as a spec of dirt. (could have been more vulgar... but am trying to see the compassion in the situation)

THIS IS EATING MY SOUL! see, while pondering at my favourite cafe in MTL I decided that what my heart desires is adventure, simplicity and love. The three main things I was thinking of doing was

1) go to a yoga ashram in upper British Columbia to do a karma yoga program. Eat well, live in nature, practice yoga and live without excess....

2) Go to Bolivia: dream of mine to live and learn in Bolivia

3) Take a job as a promotion agent for an official-languages program (this was uncertain as I still hadn't received a response and I didn't have a drivers license which is necessary for the program)

4) Go to naturopathic school in Montreal (expensive and not eligible for loans, but I KNOW I would be happy doing this)

I had my application for the Ashram ready, and just as I was about to get the final reference letter, I received an email saying I got the job as a promotion agent. See, a couple summers ago, I had the option of working a public relations job related to my degree, well paid and pretty cool, but I chose to help in opening up a fair trade cooperative cafe in Ottawa. Less pay, less direct relation to the degree I spent 50 grand on BUT something I knew Ottawa needed and a cool project with really chill people. BEST DECISION EVER!! I just visited the cafe last weekend and it warmed my heart to see its progress. To have played a part in its creation is something that has reaped many rewards. Last winter I had the opportunity to travel through Mexico and attend an amazing conference and 15th anniversary slash new years party in the mountains of chiapas with the Zapatistas. This was due to the cafe's connections with this community.

Anyways, point being that I took the job and am feeling like a cat in a cage because I have already tasted what it feels like to be respected and work in a non-hierarchical establishment. I think working at the cafe has ruined any hope of survival in a bureaucratic environment.

I am trying really hard to learn from and enjoy this position, but I know I deserve more respect than what I am receiving...

it won't matter in a year, it won't matter in a year, it won't matter in a year..... sigh....

Nov 15, 2009: I am a colourful fish in a sea of grey, white and black business attire.

Nov 16, 2009: I listen, really listen, not just for the opportunity to be heard.

Nov 17, 2009: I challenge people and allow myself to be challenged.

Nov 18, 2009: I try and see things from different perspectives, and try and give people the benefit of the doubt. IE boss is hormonal at her ripe age, not a horrible human being....