Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Stopping the vicious cycle of self-hate

So as I sit here pondering, well not here, or there, but always…. About loneliness and ugliness in all its forms, about all the anger I feel due to feeling unattractive in comparison to my friends, about always wanting to leave in search of love because for the reason I am fat, I will not be found attractive in Canadian, let alone Quebecois standards… when I travel I feel beautiful, I have romances, luck with men and am the desire of women also for that matter… what is it about being here?

Do I blame something or someone else? The media for socializing us to think we are never good enough? For subconsciously implanting self-esteem issues? Blame my parents for asking me if I have lost weight during every long distance conversation before asking how I am? Blame the kids that taunted me throughout elementary and high school? Ismaili people for their implanted superficiality and cruelty in terms of how someone should look and dress and be?

My wise friend Julia always says, ``People don’t realize how much their self hate is destructive to others``

I can't count the number of times I have been hurt because of the self hate of those around me. The consistent judgments of thighs, bellies, arms make me not sympathetic but think about if so and so person feels they look that bad, imagine what they think of me when they look at me?

Yesterday, I decided to not think like this anymore, I am no longer letting these thoughts form a vicious cycle and reinforce themselves continuously through mental, physical, emotional and spiritual means.

Don't get me wrong, the thing is, people have told me I am beautiful, and I am sure they meant it, but this is not about them, it is about me regaining my self concept, and truly believing that I am beautiful.

I don't mean by wearing a different colour of eyeshadow, buying a new dress, dying or cutting my hair, going on some crazy diet disguised as a cleanse, going psycho at the gym or doing something else on an aesthetic or consumerist level.

My project is to find something beautiful everyday, about myself, and convince myself of what others have been telling me for years.

Today I start the project of self-love….

My goal is to learn to love myself… and I hope you will share in this with me… and ideally feel empowered to share what makes you so beautiful.