Dec. 5 2009: I am going crazy...ok beautiful thing today.. I was going to say I know how to dress to flatter myself.. but fuck... the word flattering.. that is really something to think about eh?

Sometimes I think flattering feeds into the whole ohh you shouldn't wear that... it is too tight, too loose, shows too much skin, too short, too long, blah blah blah

I wear what makes me feel good, and what I feel comfortable in... this is not to say I am comfortable with my body, but I put things together in a way that makes me feel better about it

flattering flattering flattering

why should it matter to anyone how someone else looks? If someone is happy in what they are wearing, then perhaps it is the person thinking it is not flattering's problem for being so judgemental ... and probably points to more insecurities in the judger than the judged

I remember my mom saying ohhhh you shouldn't wear that... it is too tight..you should wear pants.. blah blah blah *( I don't wear pants anymore... ) a few years ago I would have taken offense to this, but instead I said hey mom... maybe if someone looks at me and is disgusted by my outfit or how this shirt looks on me, then it is their problem to not have more important things to focus on.. not mine for wearing what I want to wear

this was a very strong moment in my personal growth. it may not seem monumental.. but as I have previously mentioned.. self-hate or insecurities are contageous.. and this was a big step in me breaking that cycle of contamination

annnnd scene.

backlog p.2

Nov 20: Wrote you are beautiful just the way you are!! inside the cover of a stupid girly mag with a cover title saying how to combat the muffin top.. grrrr

nov 21: I am really great at bringing people together and lOVE IT

nov 22: I am honest.. even when it is hard and akward and confrontational.. in a non-violent way.. but still.. honestly is always harder than white lies

nov 23: I giggle alot... in fact.. last weekend my giggling set off a motion detector..

nov 24: I actually do vs. say

nov 25: I have incredible, non-superficial friends, and I think this is a reflection of myself..

nov 26: I have the ability to converse with anyone..

nov. 27: I am really great at exploring and getting to know cities and sharing this information with others... (lafemmeperdu.blogspot.com) although in blog form I may not be the best.. it really helps to move somewhere and know someone that knows the city.. I am one of those people

nov. 28: I am not embarassed to make mistakes.. or a fool out of myself for that matter

nov 29: I have a really free light spirit

nov 30: I see the beauty above anything else in others (for the most part, and at least at first impressions)

dec 1: these last few days have been really challenging. Those thoughts of eternal loneliness in Canada due to my lack of immediate attractiveness are creeping into my brain and I feel like crap..

Dec 2: I am a kick-ass cook! Can make anything out of nothing... and it will be delicious.

dec 3: Today I created a warm and welcoming home for my friend Julia to come home to, I knew this would make her happy... friends and yummy food = happiness.. today André and I were talking about people that really feel comfortable in situations and the cool things that result...will explain more another day.. off to another dinner date

dec 4: I consistently think of others vs myself... although this is a double edged sword

Nov 19 2009: I truly believe that there are very few people in this world that want to do us harm.

Nov 13,2009: I have a calming effect on others. I have an uncanny ability to either completely miss out on stressful situations or within them keep a sense of calm. I attribute this partly to Reiki, as being a practitioner for so long has allowed me to learn how to calm others as well as myself.

Will it matter in a year? probably not... so why worry? although this is changing.... more explanation in next beautiful thing about myself.

Nov 14, 2009: I make decisions based on my heart, not my pocket book or realistic notions of logical jobs. (most of the time)

At the moment I have an incredible job, I get paid to travel around Quebec and talk to people about a program I believe in. Sounds ace eh? the other side is working at a bureau with someone who treats me with about as little respect and politeness as a spec of dirt. (could have been more vulgar... but am trying to see the compassion in the situation)

THIS IS EATING MY SOUL! see, while pondering at my favourite cafe in MTL I decided that what my heart desires is adventure, simplicity and love. The three main things I was thinking of doing was

1) go to a yoga ashram in upper British Columbia to do a karma yoga program. Eat well, live in nature, practice yoga and live without excess....

2) Go to Bolivia: dream of mine to live and learn in Bolivia

3) Take a job as a promotion agent for an official-languages program (this was uncertain as I still hadn't received a response and I didn't have a drivers license which is necessary for the program)

4) Go to naturopathic school in Montreal (expensive and not eligible for loans, but I KNOW I would be happy doing this)

I had my application for the Ashram ready, and just as I was about to get the final reference letter, I received an email saying I got the job as a promotion agent. See, a couple summers ago, I had the option of working a public relations job related to my degree, well paid and pretty cool, but I chose to help in opening up a fair trade cooperative cafe in Ottawa. Less pay, less direct relation to the degree I spent 50 grand on BUT something I knew Ottawa needed and a cool project with really chill people. BEST DECISION EVER!! I just visited the cafe last weekend and it warmed my heart to see its progress. To have played a part in its creation is something that has reaped many rewards. Last winter I had the opportunity to travel through Mexico and attend an amazing conference and 15th anniversary slash new years party in the mountains of chiapas with the Zapatistas. This was due to the cafe's connections with this community.

Anyways, point being that I took the job and am feeling like a cat in a cage because I have already tasted what it feels like to be respected and work in a non-hierarchical establishment. I think working at the cafe has ruined any hope of survival in a bureaucratic environment.

I am trying really hard to learn from and enjoy this position, but I know I deserve more respect than what I am receiving...

it won't matter in a year, it won't matter in a year, it won't matter in a year..... sigh....

Nov 15, 2009: I am a colourful fish in a sea of grey, white and black business attire.

Nov 16, 2009: I listen, really listen, not just for the opportunity to be heard.

Nov 17, 2009: I challenge people and allow myself to be challenged.

Nov 18, 2009: I try and see things from different perspectives, and try and give people the benefit of the doubt. IE boss is hormonal at her ripe age, not a horrible human being....

backlog

OK

Sooo, I have been thinking of things that make me beautiful, but I happen to forget them... but now I have a handy dandy square moleskine which will help me remember...

This is my backlog to this date of things I can remember that I found beautiful about myself, or things I feel will aid in bettering my concept of myself.... I am thinking of adding audio clips to this blog.. let me know what you think, or if you have any suggestions, annnnd I would love to hear what makes you the amazingly stunning human you are!

Day 1:

Spoke with my kinesiologist friend Andy regarding a Reiki treatment in exchange for a nutrition consultation to help me get my health in check. To see what nutrients work best together and he told me to keep a food journal, which I will start now since I carry my new amazing square sheeted moleskine everywhere I go...

Day 2 and 3 and 4: I forgot.. sorry, didn't want to lie and make things up... next..

Day 5: I have come to accept my afro-like wild crazy curly hair.... it is really beautiful and bountiful and goes amazingly with my face...

Day 6: err I may have gotten the day wrong, but my best friend Anya and I were speaking about people who attempt to borrow identity to create a sense of cool for themselves. I may not be the most confident person... but I definitely don't feel I have this need... I think I am pretttty coooool and am happy with my quirks...

Day 7: I have super kind eyes... people in Egypt used to call me habibi and said I have a light heart... they used to weigh hearts in Egypt to decide whether someone was going to the underworld or not... the lighter the heart the better the person.. I know my eyes reflect this.. wow I feel conceited...

Note: This is a moderate struggle for me because I am feeling very conceited and selfish being like blah blah blah I am amazing la dee da, but I realize the productivity of this sort of recognition because maybe if people see someone like me who isn't conventionally beautiful... (wtf is that anyways... geeeeeeez) happy with myself, they may feel more inclined to feel better too... sooooo selfishness in a non-selfish manner is my goal...

Day 8: I have a very proportionate face... its very symmetrical and pretty... I once had this man tell me my face is like 1001 nights.. I didn't get it and made it akward.. I guess the insecurities were in full effect that evening.. once I learned about what his comment was referring to (1001 arabian nights... ) I feel it is one of the most lovely compliments I have ever received.. thank you mister!


a la prochaine!

Stopping the vicious cycle of self-hate

So as I sit here pondering, well not here, or there, but always…. About loneliness and ugliness in all its forms, about all the anger I feel due to feeling unattractive in comparison to my friends, about always wanting to leave in search of love because for the reason I am fat, I will not be found attractive in Canadian, let alone Quebecois standards… when I travel I feel beautiful, I have romances, luck with men and am the desire of women also for that matter… what is it about being here?

Do I blame something or someone else? The media for socializing us to think we are never good enough? For subconsciously implanting self-esteem issues? Blame my parents for asking me if I have lost weight during every long distance conversation before asking how I am? Blame the kids that taunted me throughout elementary and high school? Ismaili people for their implanted superficiality and cruelty in terms of how someone should look and dress and be?

My wise friend Julia always says, ``People don’t realize how much their self hate is destructive to others``

I can't count the number of times I have been hurt because of the self hate of those around me. The consistent judgments of thighs, bellies, arms make me not sympathetic but think about if so and so person feels they look that bad, imagine what they think of me when they look at me?

Yesterday, I decided to not think like this anymore, I am no longer letting these thoughts form a vicious cycle and reinforce themselves continuously through mental, physical, emotional and spiritual means.

Don't get me wrong, the thing is, people have told me I am beautiful, and I am sure they meant it, but this is not about them, it is about me regaining my self concept, and truly believing that I am beautiful.

I don't mean by wearing a different colour of eyeshadow, buying a new dress, dying or cutting my hair, going on some crazy diet disguised as a cleanse, going psycho at the gym or doing something else on an aesthetic or consumerist level.

My project is to find something beautiful everyday, about myself, and convince myself of what others have been telling me for years.

Today I start the project of self-love….

My goal is to learn to love myself… and I hope you will share in this with me… and ideally feel empowered to share what makes you so beautiful.